My kids and family saved my life, my wife has brought joy to it.

Please excuse the length of this post, and feel free to keep on scrolling as I usually do when I see these on  facebook.

I am not normally one to post anything on Facebook other than meme's that make me laugh and the occasional truth bomb, and this will be the one and only time I'm gonna get a bit preachy.

I hate to admit it, but a commercial got to me. If you haven't seen these, watch this before you read, and you will understand why I am writing this post: https://www.facebook.com/MovemberCanada/videos/238328854231414/ 

Those close to me know I was in a dark place a decade ago. I often say people who have not gone through depression, real depression not sadness, can never understand what it is like to feel like those guys in the commercial; like I did. There is an abundance of attempted explanations out there, like the big black dog video (https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc) but they are more relatable to those with depression already.

It is important to note that depression is different for everyone. I never wrote a note, I never seriously considered suicide, because everytime those thoughts entered my mind, my girls seemed to be there to bring me back. The rest of my family were of course supportive, but my daughters were always there, with hugs, smiles and happiness. They reminded me every single day how much I was loved, even though I felt completely unlovable and worthless. I have never properly thanked Alexa Kluss and Hannah Kluss for saving my life; it has been too hard for me to admit to them how close I was to giving up. I love you my daughters, you are the reason I am here today.

My depression took the form of what I called "apathy to living". Near car accidents, health scares, etc had no emotional impact on me. I would shrug my shoulders and just believe that if i had died, it was probably for the best anyway. I truly believe this is how my good friend Lorne (Wazzy!) felt in his final days. The pain and loss of freedom he felt must have been overwhelming, and because many of us didnt recognize it, we didnt know to talk to him about it. I will carry the guilt of his suicide with me forever...I should have seen it, talked to him. I knew that feeling...knew the signs.

My friend and colleague Chad Main also committed suicide recently. Though I only knew him a few years, he was one in a million. He had everything going for him; he was a absolute rock star human; a friend to all. I will never understand what happened in his mind; again, I saw no signs.

The commercial has it right. Talk. I talked to counsellors, psychologists, friends, family. But I also had my daughters, and I have to believe this a key part of why I am here right now. Unconditional love.
Speaking of unconditional love: Nikki Kluss. As you saw in the video, the big black dog never really leaves. You learn to control him, cope with him, kick him to the side. But it is much easier when you have someone by your side. My daughters have saved my life, and finding Nikki has made this life worth living. I can clearly see a future I want for the first time in a long time. She is my future and my happiness.

I think this is a key to beating depression. Please don't tell someone to just stop being sad. Be the person that helps them see the happy, the good, the things worth living for.

I have been wanting to host a poker tournament in my friends memories as a way to cope with their loss. COVID put a damper on that for now, but it's coming. Instead, I'm going to grow a scraggly mustache in Movember.
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