I went to a co-ed school, I was terrified of girls, and I was the little fat kid. The coach of my rugby team used me as a training tool. If I beat any kid running around the oval, they had to stay back and do laps.
I suppose I had some screwed up ideas about masculinity because when you’re a teenager and your mate starts getting pecs and you’re getting boobs, it does mess with your head. I overcompensated by having a gross sense of humour. It was a desperate plea for help, which I turned into a career.
With my work, I tend to be out of sync with my friends who have 9-5 jobs. I’m either travelling or working late cause I do stand up so it’s hard to catch up. And once you’re over 40 you don’t make many new friends. There’s that Seinfeld gag, ‘you seem like a nice guy but we’re just not hiring’.
If a mate wants to vent, I’ll let him vent. But, most of my mates don’t want to be a burden which is silly. If you’ve got a broken leg, you go to the doctor, you don’t walk around with a broken leg just to show you’re strong and coping.
Something I’ve learnt late in life is shut up and listen. Don’t feel like you can fix the problem, sometimes your loved ones just want you to shut up and listen. It’s taken me 50 years to figure the fuck out of that one.
The best advice my wife told me was from one of those celebrity magazines, I think it was Michael J Fox. If you spend your whole life worrying about the worst thing that can happen, and then the worst thing happens, you’ve already lived it twice. So stop worrying. I mean, we should be concerned about our lives, I’m not always a happy camper, but when I get worked up, I remember that.”
For 24 hour crisis support, contact a local service available in your country.
If life is in danger, call or go directly to emergency services.
Australia
Emergency services: 000
24 hour crisis support:
Lifeline, 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service, 1300 659 467
Austria
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Telefon Seelsorge, 142
Belgium
Emergency services: 100
24 hour crisis support:
Tele-Accueil, 107
Canada
Emergency services: 911
24 hour crisis support:
Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention
Association canadienne pour la prévention du suicide
Czech Republic
Emergency services: 155
24 hour crisis support:
Modra Linka, 549 241 010
Denmark
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Livslinien, 70201201
Finland
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Mieli, 010 195 202, 010 195 202
Emergency services: 000
24 hour crisis support:
Lifeline, 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service, 1300 659 467
Austria
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Telefon Seelsorge, 142
Belgium
Emergency services: 100
24 hour crisis support:
Tele-Accueil, 107
Canada
Emergency services: 911
24 hour crisis support:
Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention
Association canadienne pour la prévention du suicide
Czech Republic
Emergency services: 155
24 hour crisis support:
Modra Linka, 549 241 010
Denmark
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Livslinien, 70201201
Finland
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Mieli, 010 195 202, 010 195 202
France
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Suicide Ecoute, 0145 3940 00
Germany
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
TelefonSeelsorge, 0800/1110111
Hong Kong
Emergency services: 999
24 hour crisis support:
Samaritans, 2896 0000
Ireland
Emergency services: 112 or 999
24 hour crisis support:
Pieta House, 1800 247 247
Samaritans, 116 123
Netherlands
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Sensoor, 0900 0767
New Zealand
Emergency services: 111
24 hour crisis support:
Lifeline, 0800 543 354
Suicide Crisis Helpline, 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Norway
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Kirkens SOS, 22 40 00 40
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Suicide Ecoute, 0145 3940 00
Germany
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
TelefonSeelsorge, 0800/1110111
Hong Kong
Emergency services: 999
24 hour crisis support:
Samaritans, 2896 0000
Ireland
Emergency services: 112 or 999
24 hour crisis support:
Pieta House, 1800 247 247
Samaritans, 116 123
Netherlands
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Sensoor, 0900 0767
New Zealand
Emergency services: 111
24 hour crisis support:
Lifeline, 0800 543 354
Suicide Crisis Helpline, 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Norway
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Kirkens SOS, 22 40 00 40
Singapore
Emergency services: 995
24 hour crisis support:
Samaritans, 1800-221 4444
South Africa
Emergency services: 10177
24 hour crisis support:
Lifeline, 0861 322 322
Spain
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Telefono de la Esperanza, 902 500 002
Sweden
Emergency services: 112
Kyrkans Jourtjänst, 031-800 650
Switzerland
Emergency services: 144
24 hour crisis support:
Pars Pas, 027 321 21 21
UK
Emergency services: 999
24 hour crisis support:
Samaritans, 116 123
USA
Emergency services: 911
24 hour crisis support:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
Lifeline Crisis Chat
Emergency services: 995
24 hour crisis support:
Samaritans, 1800-221 4444
South Africa
Emergency services: 10177
24 hour crisis support:
Lifeline, 0861 322 322
Spain
Emergency services: 112
24 hour crisis support:
Telefono de la Esperanza, 902 500 002
Sweden
Emergency services: 112
Kyrkans Jourtjänst, 031-800 650
Switzerland
Emergency services: 144
24 hour crisis support:
Pars Pas, 027 321 21 21
UK
Emergency services: 999
24 hour crisis support:
Samaritans, 116 123
USA
Emergency services: 911
24 hour crisis support:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
Lifeline Crisis Chat